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Joke of the Day

"I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs."

"There's two things I don't fuck with... Rattlesnakes. And Condoms."

"For Christmas my wife wanted something that went from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds. So I bought her a scale."

"I used to think I was schizophrenic. But then the voices in my head said I was fine."

"The past, present, and future walk into a bar... It was tense."

"""He's not sleeping with you cause you're fat and ugly, so lose some weight and do your make up like this."" - Women's magazines, summarized."

"What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A Pilot you fucking racist."

"If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier."

"I like my coffee like I like my girlfriend Not fucking my best friend STACY YOU WHORE!"

"Q: Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes? A: He wanted to go bear foot."