89166

Joke of the Day

"Speculation was rife as to why Vladimir Putin has been missing for the last 10 days. Turns out he had the flu. That's what happens when you fight cold wars."

"What's the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law and the other is a sick bird."

"I started a band called 999 megabytes We still haven't gotten a gig"

"Just saw a man crying because he doesn't know what a homophone is To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, ""They're, their, there..."""

"Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait."

"A man in front of me dropped $20 I picked it up and asked myself, what would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine. I bought wine."

"You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets."

"Did you know? If you laid out all of your veins and arteries... ...you would die."

"*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars' girlfriend* *Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it* *it explodes and both of them die*"

"I like my women like I like my coffee... Cheap and bitter."