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Joke of the Day

"Hate when I'm being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he's tied to the back of a tiger."

"TEACHER: That's the third time this week - please explain your tardiness ME: Well, it basically means that I've been late"

"If I wore these clothes yesterday but no one saw me in them, did I really wear them."

"Why does Thomas Edison hate Ubisoft Montreal Cause he didn't like AC"

"Can you open your mouth without showing your teeth? You're hired."

"[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act] ""Ok all you guys need is a name"" *they look around bank for ideas*"

"What do you call an Islamic cow? A Mooslim"

"ME: What tattoo should I get? TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection. ME: One ravioli on my thigh please."

"I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come over"

"Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know? Him: Yeah. Me: Want another juice box, bro? Him: Yeah. 3 year-old neighbor boy gets me."