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Joke of the Day

"My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation.... Google Earth says everything is just fine."

"Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon."

"Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine. Intellectual powerhouse. Right here."

"Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was."

"The German players enjoyed some Argentinian steak today... but it was a little Messi"

"[2 months into relationship] HER: you've changed ME: [proudly] showered, too"

"What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian God? Anoobis"

"*puts leash around pet lobster* I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy *walks into Lobsterfest* COVER YOUR EYES"

"'What other miracles can you do?' Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish?' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite"

"Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice"