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Joke of the Day

"[breakfast table] Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms? 8: Not me 9: Not me CEREAL KILLER: Not me either"

"The New York Mets."

"[date gets back from the bathroom] those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids? ""kids?"""

"*wakes up in cold sweat* SHOULDN'T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?"

"My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once. What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk? A Star-Spangled Banner."

"What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say? Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here?"

"If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check"

"What does the Pillsbury Doughboy see when he looks down? His Doughnuts."

"Hey girl, if I could change up the alphabet, I'd replace U with a more interesting character. Since we're on anti-pickup lines today."

"That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery."