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Joke of the Day

"Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times."

"If by ""flexible"" you mean ""can I get my foot behind my head?"" then yes, I am. If you mean ""can I get my foot back down?"" then no, I am not."

"As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, ""Push!"" I was convinced it was a Pull door."

"Did you hear they made an Emo-Hipster pizza? It cuts itself, and you're supposed to eat it before its cool."

"What should you do if you see your TV floating? Turn on the lights and shoot the black guy."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Beethoven ! Beethoven who ? Beethoven is too hot !"

"""Who's on first?"" ""David."" ""Cool."" -Abbott and Costello's first draft"

"Someone told me: You shouldn't fall in love because you might get hurt.... I said yeah: And you shouldn't fuckin live because you might die.."

"Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Betty: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you? Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose."

"I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!"