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Joke of the Day

"What's dark, and usually involved in crime? A balaclava."

"Since we're talking about Vampire jokes, here's my favorite. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month..."

"Below is an email that I sent to a certain presidential candidate a few months back: [deleted]"

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be..."

"The first 1500 pictures of your kids were cute, now it's a bit much."

"A simple smile can brighten someone's day... ...but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night."

"I'm thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I'd still just be talking to myself"

"Why doesn't anyone like jelly donuts? They have fillings too..."

"My long-term goal is to change the world, so I step on a lot of butterflies."

"My home pregnancy test came back negative. I guess my house is just getting fat."