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Joke of the Day

"Whaddya call a know-it-all from Europe? a Shure-opean"

"If a man named Terry Richards kills you because you insulted him; what did you die of? Dissing Terry."

"My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend."

"I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff."

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've already lost three days."

"How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, you fucking racist!"

"M R ducks. M R not ducks. O S A R, C D E D B D wings? L I B, M R ducks."

"#LanceArmstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was #stoned I ended up in a ditch."

"HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy ME: [also whispering] owning a home"

"I want to make medical bracelets that say ""In case of emergency, delete browser history"""