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Joke of the Day

"My wife asked me why I was walking around the house with a gun I responded, ""Because of those fucking decepticons!"" I laughed. She laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster."

"The problem with political jokes is that they always get elected"

"what did the priest say before he ate his salad? lettuce pray"

"I wish this cop would stop riding my ass, it makes me paranoid. I also wish he'd turn his sirens off and stop trying to shoot out my tires."

"What's Donald Trumps favorite color? Orange"

"How is called the funeral of an electrical engineer? Grounding"

"I'm just waiting for the right person to come along and mistake my crippling pessimism for an attractive sense of humor."

"How do you prove triangles congruent with attitude? Do it with SAS."

"What do you call it when an escort farts? A prosti-toot"

"[talking to life insurance agent] Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks."