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Joke of the Day

"In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, ""Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!"""

"in GTA5 my dude was driving fast and I got a text IRL. when I looked down at my phone I crashed & flew out the windshield. #ItCanWait"

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent!"

"INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay."

"What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time."

"Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before social interactions, very helpful."

"How do you know if your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick would taste like blood"

"[1st day at Subway] Boss: u said u'd done this before Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I'm really more of an abstract sandwich artist"

"If Steve Jobs can do that to the iPhone, think what he could do to Verne Troyer."

"Carl was annoying Carl walked into a street shop. the first thing he did was cough very loudly. e b 9"