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Joke of the Day

"You hang Up. ""No you hang Up."" No YOU hang Up. ""No YOU hang Up."" - couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters"

"My wife likes to talk after sex.. So she called me from a hotel room. No Respect! RIP Rodney Dangerfield"

"You never get a second chance to make a first impression... ...unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times."

"What was Tigger doing in the toilet? Looking for Pooh"

"What do you call a one legged woman? Eileen"

"""Went to watch a movie, I was wearing shorts and he swiped his finger on my leg. Later found out he wiped his booger on me"""

"If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview."

"Friday is just Monday with tits."

"I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn't die fast enough for my liking."

"You don't need to put ""narcissist"" in your bio. This is twitter, that shit goes without saying."