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Joke of the Day

"""Jesus loves you."" A good thing to hear in church but a terrifying thing to hear in a mexican prison."

"I never expected my dad to steal from his road construction job... but when I got home all of the signs were there."

"My Grandpa said,... ""Your generation relies too much on technology!"" I replied, ""No, your generation relies too much on technology!"" Then I unplugged his life support."

"He took me from a bar. He took me in his car....... He took me from a bar. He took me in his car. He took my top off. He puts his lips on mine, but don't worry: I'm a bottle of wine!"

"""Risky Star"" What kind of a star can be risky? . . A shooting star!"

"My doctor was concerned about my health My doctor was concerned about my colon's health and wanted two stool samples, but I couldn't give two shits."

"What stresses fish out the most? Current events."

"""Comedians"" don't RT because? A. Their tweets are pure gold. B. This is just a joke-tryout site. C. They know we're all funnier than them."

"Was at a 90s themed party with my girlfriend. She went to get us drinks and was back within seconds. I asked her how she got them so fast. There's no punchline."

"I've been ""watching my weight"" and, rest assured, it's still there."