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Joke of the Day

"""I'll hand you your change in the most inconvenient way possible!"" - Cashiers"

"He was such a brutal fighter that, after slaying the tigress in the arena, he proceeded to devour her flesh. And he felt no remorse. He was Gladiator."

"Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests? Dj: Yes. M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit."

"Ever heard of the blind hooker? You really gotta hand it to 'er."

"Did you hear about the ointment... Did you hear about the ointment that couldn't stop talking about politics? When confronted, he said he was just trying to be topical."

"Here, take my advice. It's not like I'm using it..."

"Is it just my nipples or is it cold outside. They're hard as rock. EDIT: They're"

"*spills wine on Ouija board* OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T ME: *moves pointer to NO*"

"Drug companies are like high school boyfriends They're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they get in there. - Credit to John Oliver"

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin"