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Joke of the Day

"Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can't even do being unconscious right."

"[In elevator] Penguin: what floor do you want? Man: 5th please. *penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*"

"So, a female friend asked me for my honest, unbiased opinion of her... ...on a scale from 1 to 10. I looked her up and down and said, quickly, ""You're an eight."" I think she peed a little."

"Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies."

"What is the difference between a Ford car and a porcupine? Porcupines have pricks on the outside."

"""I need a boyfriend"" No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty."

"A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar... Or a hospital.... Or possibly a church."

"There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the ""close this ad"" button."

"I asked my lawyer cousin, an orthodox Jewish man, his opinion on gay marriage He said ""that would be GREAT for business"""

"[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN..."