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Joke of the Day

"I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault.... It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'."

"God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one... God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10."

"What was David Bowie's last hit? Probably Morphine"

"You ever notice when it comes to blow up dolls... They're always so surprised to see us"

"What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard"

"[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator] Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine"

"What is the difference between a tire and a black man? The tire doesn't start singing when you chain it."

"Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country? 2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?"

"I ask myself, ""How did I get here?,"" I'm sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house...taking a shower."

"What do you call a group of Mexican racists? The Que Que Que!"