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Joke of the Day

"Bobby Flay's sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay."

"""I can't believe you slept with her!"" ""Well, we were both drunk, and..."" ""But I thought you don't drink?"" ""It's true, but she was drunk enough for the both of us."""

"I used to date a girl with a lazy eye I broke up with her though, cos I'm pretty sure she was seeing someone on the side. Credit to /u/MoreMajorSins for this awesome dad joke!"

"I would love to go to the bar tonight but, people."

"Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets."

"Boss: this project is moving along at a snail's pace!! *silence* Todd the snail: This is bullshit *spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*"

"I'd love to see Jason Statham's face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles."

"Cute things to call your girlfriend/boyfriend 1. Sugar 2. Honey 3. Flour 4. Egg 5. 1/2 lb butter 6. Stir 7. Pour into pan 8. Preheat to 350"

"I was having sex with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder... I hate having sex in the bath."

"I used to be really interested in drilling holes Now I just find it boring."