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Joke of the Day

"I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet. *runs after him"

"Tweeting this from the bathroom because it's the 21st century and that's what we do now."

"Just heard someone screaming outside and my instinct was to turn up the TV. Whatever the opposite of a superhero is, I'm that."

"I love fucking love coffee. It's what keeps me up at night."

"It's 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I'm still writing 2014 on my checks."

"1970s: ""Hey baby"" 1990s: ""Hey babe"" 2014: ""Hey bae"" 2020: ""Hey b"" 2030: ""All hail our glorious squirrel overlords"""

"Let's make it weird. Dont worry. I'll start."

"I haven't been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me."

"How does one think the unthinkable? With an iethberg."

"Where did Christ get his ripped abs? Cross fit"