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Joke of the Day

"Just made eye contact with an old guy as he slowly licked an ice cream cone. Great, like I don't have enough shit keeping me up at night."

"Man, the frappes at the grinder place by the rotary are wicked good. Go Sox! Sorry about that. I had 2 Boston Kreme donuts this morning."

"I looked up ""cock"" in the dictionary... It says ""the male of the domestic fowl or chicken"". That's all my black female neighbours ever talk about, they must really love fried chicken."

"The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries"

"In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: ""And to drink, sir?"" Dad: ""I'll have a blind coke."" Waiter: ""I'm sorry?"" Dad: ""You know, a blind coke. No ice."""

"There's 2 types of people in this world... Ones that pee in the shower And liars"

"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night... I should have put it on aloha setting."

"Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don't need to own a whole dollar store thanks"

"My kids outgoing voice mail message says,,"" I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."""

"The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven't been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean."