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Joke of the Day

"As a Brandon, I'm constantly at war with Brendans. Do not confuse them with my kind. They are shit demons. Slaying them is my birthright."

"What's an old carpenter's biggest issue? Losing teeth."

"Why couldn't the spotty cat chase the sheep? Because her Mum wouldn't leopard be a shepherd"

"I'm having an out of money experience."

"(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?"

"me: [slides bank teller a note] bank teller: what's a ""roblery"""

"What did Jose name his son? Hose B"

"A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!"

"Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!"

"When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I'll wait a sec then ask ""two man killing spree?"""