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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: What did you just do? CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason* ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she's after both of us*"

"My grandma can hold her breath for over sixteen years!"

"If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?"

"Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks."

"I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil."

"Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much."

"*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers"

"A hurricane is going to hit the east coast? Are you Joaquin?"

"In a village full of hipsters no one ever lied. Because hips don't lie."

"So a priest, a pedophile and rapist walk into a bar ...he orders a drink"