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Joke of the Day

"""It's not you, it's me. And me. And me! And me. And me."" - schizophrenic break up"

"My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books but he's only got his shelf to blame."

"I usually don't like recycling jokes, but... Did you hear the one about the priest and rabbi at the bottle redemption center?"

"Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan."

"The hardest part about coaching Little League is remembering not to say, ""MOTHERFUCKER FIRST FUCKING BASE GODDAMMIT SHIT!!!"" all the time."

"I'm sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn't really know what to do with either of them."

"What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common? Always have to smell it, never get to eat it."

"If my liver was a person, it'd be Doris, the 50 year old waitress pouring coffee at the truckstop for 35 years & smoking since she was born."

"Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care."

"A mountain was next to another mountain.. An earthquake happens and one of the mountains say.. ""It wasn't my fault!"" credit to my awesome science teacher"