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Joke of the Day

"""It's not you, it's me. And me. And me! And me. And me."" - schizophrenic break up"

"I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty..."

"Why don't Chinese people roll 12lb balls down wooden lanes to knock over pins? Because to them it's boring."

"Why did the Japanese American bring his server with him? He thought they said internet camp"

"I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean...imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S."

"LPT: If you couldn't fit all of the planets in the planetary alignment in one shot Try backing up a bit"

"When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a ""mean drunk"" or a ""happy drunk."" Gets me out of it every time."

"Teach a man to fish & you have fed him for a lifetime. Teach your kid to make a good martini & you won't give a crap about fish or men."

"I wonder if Sallys parents were like ""Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."""

"I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I'll have automatic street cred."