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Joke of the Day

"customers who viewed SHIMMERING LIGHTS OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOWS, also viewed THEIR FEET HELPLESSLY MOVING TOWARDS THE DARKNESS OF THE WOODS"

"*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I'm walking in the wrong direction*"

"One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it'll be fine. Better than fine, actually."

"Sometimes I draw a penis on my face before I go out so people know I'm there to fucking party."

"What is the easiest way to kill a frenchman? Break his neck by slamming down the toilet seat, while he is drinking. - Otto von Bismarck"

"1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave"

"How do you defend yourself against a gang of horny masochistics? You probably have to beat them off with a stick!"

"If your girlfriend starts smoking slow down or apply lubricant"

"Me: I love you..Marry Me! Burrito: I'm a Burrito..stop drinking."

"My wife was almost killed by a clock today, it fell onto the chair just as she stood up. Damn clock was always too slow."