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Joke of the Day

"A bear walks into a bar.. *Goes up to the bartender* Bear: ""Hi, I'd like a gin...................and tonic."" Bartender: ""Sure, but what's with the big pause?"" *bear looks at own paws*"

"That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don't know."

"Last night I dreamed I was eating a pillow When I woke up, my 10 pound marshmallow was gone."

"Why don't good golfers cheat? Cause they play the fairway."

"Build a man a fire and he will be warm for an hour... ...But set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life."

"I'm not apathetic, I prefer emotionally constipated."

"Hide a metal rake in your leaf pile to keep the neighborhood kids from messing it up."

"You know all that talk about backseat driving? Well I've been driving all my life and can safely say that I've never heard a word from the back seat. What kind of car do you drive? A hearse!"

"Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries He responded: Oh go Crimea river"

"I just don't get bukkake It goes straight over my head."