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Joke of the Day

"I'd rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form."

"I'm gonna name my daughter Retarded So I can say yes whenever someone asks me if I am fucking retarded"

"I like my women like I like my sliced meat... Artificial with a bit if fat around the edges."

"One day my kids will find a ""We're Closed"" sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I'll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda."

"I often wonder how different it would be if I were to go back to grade school Not so much with the knowledge I have now, but with the penis I have now"

"Why did the witch have to move out of her gingerbread house? The property taxes were gastronomical."

"What's White and Sticky? Glue."

"What dog takes the money and runs fast! A payhound!"

"My wife and I adopted an abandoned newborn. She was affected by shaken baby syndrome... ...We're naming her Jostlelyne! I made that one up myself."

"Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!"