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Joke of the Day

"Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good. Me: Thanks, you look good too."

"Woman goes to a psychiatrist convinced her house is made of celery. Psychiatrist tells her he's seen this sort of thing before ... it's called stalk home syndrome."

"(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl) War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one ""What was your favorite part?"" I'd have to say the Peace"

"""Another day another dollar."" - African kids"

"Why can't motorcycles go faster? They're two tired."

"What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast."

"What's do you call it when you let your penis make all of the decisions? ...a dicktatorship. My girlfriend thought of this stinker this morning."

"What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?"

"What happens when someone spills really hot coffee on you? You will get burned, you idiot."

"Slow and steady wins the race, unless it's one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed."