792

Joke of the Day

"What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome"

"I told my dog to heel... So he went to the hospital and did all he could."

"Billy and his dad. Billy's dad walks into his room and says ""Billy, if you don't stop masturbating you're going to go blind."" To which Billy replies, ""Hey Dad, I'm over here!"""

"Why can't midgets be accountants? Because they always come up short."

"ISIS fighters dress as women in desperate attempt to flee battlefield They literally had to drag themselves out of the battlefield."

"I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower."

"I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes."

"""Hey, let's share a bottle of wine and try out the shriek-laugh we've been rehearsing."" -The women next to everyone everywhere."

"Why can Unicorns only be ridden by a adult female virgin? They're both imaginary"

"ODE TO TWITTER Twinkle, twinkle little star, How I wonder where you are, Twitter changed you to a heart, I don't think they're very smart"