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Joke of the Day

"""This is your Captain speaking..."" ""...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."""

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"why do people keep putting flag overlays on their avatar when tragedies happen? like i've seen it happen with france, brussels, gay marriage"
"A neutron walks into a bar and asks: ""How much for a beer?"" The bartender replies: ""For you? No charge."""
"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish... And you are missing out on a lucrative business opportunity."
"I heard Oscar Pistorius had a hard time finding a lawyer for his murder trial... they kept saying he didn't have a leg to stand on."
"What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz? Cheez Waz."
"[wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS"
"Try not to remember that your brain is the pilot of a meat robot that can't do twenty pushups without dying."
"What do you call a friendly retard? A sweet potato"
"Anyone that tells you beer isn't a solution clearly didn't pay attention in science class."