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Joke of the Day

"My man wants me to understand him better so I'm not getting my mustache waxed this month."

"Him: You're not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin? Me: HOW DARE Y... Wait, did you just call me darlin"

"""To be perfectly honest, I'm not a huge fan of beats by Dre."" --Dee Barnes [Context for the clueless](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dee_Barnes)."

"How to be a Canadian: 1) Love hockey 2) Use good manners 3) Drink Tim Hortons 4) Live in a igloo 5) Hunt moose with stick"

"Fifteen years ago we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs and no hope."

"In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments."

"My grandma used to say, ""I'll give you something to cry about!"", and then she'd toss a severed hand in my lap."

"What do you call a factory that only makes good products? A satisfactory"

"So, I asked a few former Wall Street employees how they were going to clean their record... ...""Submerse it in water"", they said. The bath-tards."

"Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring. Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?"