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Joke of the Day

"My wife always freaks out when she's on her period Keep having to tell her to stop ovary acting."

"Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you."

"What do you get when you put a tiny umbrella in a supercar? A Lambortini."

"I was writing a paper on my grandfather... But had to stop because he was moving so much."

"Why did the lion always lose at poker? He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs!"

"Don't feel like going to the gym? Go to all your ex's facebook pages and see who they're dating now. Then go to the gym."

"A man walks into a bar.. A man walks into a bar and says: ""Hey bartender! I fucked your mum last night!"" The bartender looks up and replies: ""Fuck off dad, I'm working."""

"Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity."

"My mother asked me to clean the dishes... ""Ah."" I replied, ""The reason you decided to have children; it's becoming apparent."" Also, ITT: God-tier puns."

"My ex is having a really hard time moving on From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)."