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Joke of the Day

"Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love."

"((Sigh)) I would love to get a new BMW i8 It definitely will get the most gals per mile in city driving."

"CW: Why don't you ever wear your hair down? Me: It makes me look approachable. CW: So? Me: I don't want to encourage that."

"I took this girl home after our date... Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card? Her: *softly* holy shit"

"At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die"

"How many apples grow on a tree? All of them."

"I heard the river in Crimea is really condescending."

"What did the buffalo call his gay kid? His BiSon."

"Oil producers are losing money on every barrel ... But, that's OK because they're making up for it on volume."

"I think my cockney friend is obsessed with the desert. I asked him what he thought of my mixtape and he said, ""Sand's great."""