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Joke of the Day

"I'll throw corrosive acid in the face of anyone who casually glaces at my computer screen while passing my cubicle."

"Why does the dwarf laugh when he runs? Cause the grass tickles his balls..."

"I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?"

"[1620] We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm. *Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets."

"What's Miley Cyrus eating for Thanksgiving.. Twerky!"

"Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted Wife: Ya? Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works Her:.. Me: No way a baby's gettin in here."

"If there's Noel.... ...then could a king be born in Israel? (If there's ""No L"", how can there be a king born in ""Is-rye-L"")"

"Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job? Me: After lunch, next question."

"I always wear black. That way I'm ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever."

"Voted class president. Assassinated."