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Joke of the Day

"When the pilot says, ""This is your captain speaking,"" I like to brush the hair from his eyes and whisper, ""This is your passenger listening"""

"NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP."

"I took a girl to Fight Club. Terrible place for a first date. We had nothing to talk about."

"My friend got in an accident that caused the whole left side of his body to be amputated off He's alright now"

"I am aging as gracefully as a banana"

"I've set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I'm always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed."

"What is a Latino gang member's favorite type of exam? Essay"

"Everyone else gauges how productive their week is by how little time they had for Twitter too, right?"

"My trainer told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective. I hit her with a Thunderbolt and locked her in her own Pokeball."

"Eye contact with the McDonald's drive-thru cashier is a shame-filled mistake."