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Joke of the Day

"Ever since my son got his first girlfriend, I've been changing the bed sheets much more often. Whenever I imagine him knocking her up, I shit myself."

"Am I able to think up of a brand new color... ...or will it just be a pigment of my imagination?"

"I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months."

"People always look at me weird when I argue with my food, but what can I say? I cook a mean steak."

"[1st time on phone with a girl] I've got butterflies in my stomach It's so cute that you're nervous [eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?"

"Just made 7 decisions based on my phone's battery life."

"Why can't Atheist solve exponential equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers"

"You and I are like ass cheeks... we're still together after all the shit that's gone between us."

"The living can't communicate with the dead, that's just seance fiction"

"You're not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone."