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Joke of the Day

"I just got fired from my noose making job :( I was there for several months, but I just couldn't get the hang of it."

"I took the shell off my racing snail... ... thinking it would make it go faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish."

"My friends always at the gym, so I invited him to a social even for a change. He responds, ""Can't come, they don't allow guns in there. I would have to cut off both my arms"""

"Two mice chewing on a film roll One of them goes, ""I think the book was better"""

"What's the opposite of pro? Con. So what's the opposite of progress?"

"What does Tupperware and a sealion have in common? They both like a tight seal."

"What's every spider's dream job? A web designer."

"Me: I get most of my tweeting material from you son. 9: I'm glad I expire you. Me: See what I mean."

"What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear."

"It's cray that I totes obvi say perf and adorbz on the regs"