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Joke of the Day

"Cop: ""You been drinkin?"" Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny ""You're free to go.."" Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?"

"Usain Bolt and I have a lot in common I can run for less than 10 seconds and enjoy smoking Degrasse"

"""What the FUCK is going on?!?!?"" - the Moon (July 21, 1969)"

"Is it too much to ask that my gay friends flamboyantly leap from closets when I visit their houses?"

"""Torture me"" said the masochist. ""No"" the sadist smiled."

"Is bb-8 hungry? No, BB-8."

"Daddy can u get me a drink? ""No, you're 5yo you can get your own drink"" Fine *goes to fridge ""While you're there can you grab me a beer?"""

"What's wrinkly and hangs out your pants? Your mother."

"My dad held me like he holds his beer By the neck and all day"

"Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know."