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Joke of the Day

"If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?"

"I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it. -inventor of powerwalking"

"One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years... and then I turned 12."

"I've always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man."

"Waxing. Not a cure for lycanthropy."

"What do you call a small dog that can store food? Pupperware"

"*looks at selfie* ""Hmmm I need more flattering lighting"" *tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine* ""ahhh much better"""

"""Hey bro can you leave me some of the snack? You're eating way too much."" I said ""sure"", then proceeded to put the cat down."

"Girl: ""Hey, whats up?"" Boy: ""If I tell you, will you sit on it?"" "

"Any governments / terrorist groups looking to rule by fear should get some tips from spiders."