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Joke of the Day

"When do computers go to sleep? When it's internight."

"[somebody steals my car] it's only metal. the important thing is no one was hurt [somebody steals my tweet] MAY VULTURES FEAST ON YOUR EYES"

"Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank."

"Leading up to the wedding (NAME) has been on a whiskey diet. His lost three days already."

"What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't really matter, he's not coming when you call him."

"""I love you. I'd do anything for you."" -let me see your phone real quick ""You're smothering me. I need some space"""

"Ek sardar Kele ke chilke se fisal kar gir gya Aage phir dusre chilke se gir gya ab teesre chilke ko dekh kr k bola...?? Shit ab phir se girna padega"

"9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan"

"Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I've had similar successes."

"His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife..."