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Joke of the Day

"Someone with a knife exactly like the one I'm holding in my hand ruined my neighbor's inflatable Christmas lawn decorations."

"Of course Tom Brady got twice the suspension Ray Rice did. Ray Rice only beat his wife, Tom Brady beats everybody."

"Excited to pick up ""Anxiety Birds"" tomorrow. It's like ""Angry Birds,"" but Jewish."

"What did the other vegetables in the garden say when a rumor was going around that two vegetables might start dating? ""I heard it through the grapevine."""

"Butcher A man in a butcher shop: ""I would like bull testicles please"" Butcher: ""Me too"""

"[introducing you to my family] ""this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet"""

"In a village full of hipsters no one ever lied. Because hips don't lie."

"My friend and I are in a beard growing contest Right now it's neck and neck."

"How many minutes equal one orgasm ? One eight year old."

"Girl, you're like a supermassive black hole... ...because you're incredibly dense, nothing is more attactive than you, and once you suck me in there's no going back."