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Joke of the Day

"A group of people walk into a bar... An Irishman, a rabbi, a Japanese man, a blind man and a boat captain walk into a bar. The bartender asks ""is this some kind of a joke?"""

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"My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100.. ..apparently 69 was not the correct answer."
"Earth, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter were going to setup a party But they failed because nobody knew how to planet"
"""What's funny?"" The microwave beeping as you walked backwards. ""Why's that funny?"" Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane."
"What's the difference between President Obama and a bucket of shit? The shit's in a bucket ! *that redneck spit noise followed by a ting*"
"Bathroom Boy: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: Where's the p? Boy: ""Half way down my leg."
"John Oliver ? that guy's so last week"
"""Ohana"" means family, and family means that no Monopoly game can ever finish well."
"Whats the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline."
"When your prescription says ""DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING THIS"" how many beers are you really allowed to have? 6?"