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Joke of the Day

"""The plane nosedived and crashed, due to a passenger's iPod being played during landing."" - No flight, ever."

"What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine."

"[dinner negotiations] Wife: where do you want to go to eat? Me: ugh Wife: Me: you pick Wife: I'm craving kale Me: I'll pick"

"What is the internet's predominant religion? Cat-holic-ism. Meow!"

"[sexy time] Me: Let me be your fantasy. Him: It's a Star Wars thing. Me: Say no more. *leaves* *comes back dressed as Yoda*"

"Life is a highway and I don't have a car"

"Why do Women get So Big when they're Pregnant? To give their kids a wide birth."

"Did you hear about the gay guy that fell into a coma? It's the first reported case of a fruit becoming a vegetable."

"*takes selfie, sends to wife* Wife: ""No."" *takes pants off* *tries on another pair in The Gap change room* *takes selfie, sends to wife*"

"Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back"