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Joke of the Day

"One of my peers asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. After struggling to come up with an answer, I decided to go get laser eye surgery. Now I've got 2020 vision...."

"Just smiled at a stranger. So how does this work, will I get a direct deposit in my account?"

"I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do."

"What is Micheal Bay's favorite phone? The Galaxy note 7"

"9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!? Yo, evolution: You missed one.."

"A girl at my high school got kicked out of the Future Farmers of America (FFA)... She couldn't keep her calves together."

"TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster."

"If you're cold, just stand in a corner... They're usually 90 degrees."

"If an apple a day keeps the doctor away how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?"

"It's six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six."