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Joke of the Day

"Taking that CPR class before Highschool... Led me to believe that choking and strokes would have occurred more often that I thought."

"The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. "

"""Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they're darker than, say, beige.""- Statue of Liberty."

"What is the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer came back"

"I don't think it's very professional for my psychologist to say ""holy shit!"" twice during my hour."

"My girlfriend is like a Chipmunk... She's tiny, fluffy, and has a horrible voice."

"I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss... and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday."

"A patella throws a party Because he's fun-knee"

"I've made 20,000 tweets. And I've never tried to sell you anything except the idea that tampon jokes are funny."

"When someone yawns, I like to yell ""Surprise Dentist!"" and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I'm not really a dentist."