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Joke of the Day

"[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*"

"How do you get 100 babies into a phone booth? with a blender. how do you get them out? with a straw."

"I just finished making a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time."

"A Jamaican is sightseeing in Egypt. A vehicle drives by, beeping its horn. ""Coo yah!"" he says. ""It's tootin' car, mon!"""

"What did Robin Williams do when he got to his office early? He hung around until his assistant arrived"

"What they say: ""Hey, have you lost weight?"" What they mean: ""Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?"""

"Hadron collider? I hardly know her!"

"What idiot called it ""salad"" and not ""la sad"""

"My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time"

"An alpaca made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I guess it was an Alpac'ino."