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Joke of the Day

"According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking According to my bartender, I look great Moral of the story: I'm drunk"

"Have you decided on dinner? ""Yes, I'll have the chicken, grilled."" Very good. *hears waiter yelling at chicken* WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY"

"How do Mexicans cut their pizzas? Little Caesers"

"Sitting in my car eating McD's, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go: ""Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat.."""

"As a guy in the porn industry... I work hard."

"My parents tell me to stop being a smart-alec... ...that's when I respond with ""My name's Tyler..."""

"When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said ""braaaaiiiiinnnnssss"" number 10 ate the researcher."

"WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING"

"What did the bunny ask his boss for? A raise in *celery*."

"How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet? ""Sir, this is a liquor store."""