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Joke of the Day

"Drunkenly changed my voicemail to ""if you like cheese, press 2. Para Spanish, press cheese. To hear more cheeses, say goooo-DA"""

"Who sews really really fast? Tailor Swift"

"Having a wife is like a grenade You pull the ring off, and your house is gone."

"What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat ? He had to get a new goat !"

"Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds! Me: So that's like, what, three dollars?"

"Good thing the silica gel packet that came with my shoes was marked ""DO NOT EAT"". I assume all new shoes come with snacks."

"People who change the channel every time there's a commercial are more annoying than commercials."

"""Expires 4/2013""??? What a boring-ass Snapple Fact"

"If you ever see anyone doing a crossword... ...tap them on the shoulder and whisper ""7 up is lemonade""."

"""Dave's coming for dinner tonight."" ""Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney...?"" [from outside] ""...hakuna banana."""