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Joke of the Day

"Please follow the instructions 1) Read all instructions 2) Sacrifice a goat 3) Cut off your fingers 4) Eat glass 5) Only do number one"

"Now I'm not saying I plan to be a school shooter... but if I was Dylan.."

"Dad tells his son to vacuum *hears son lazily vacuuming * dad:do it properly, if I wanted to hear loud noises but nothing being done I'd go to a feminist rally"

"When a door closes... and incognito window opens."

"let's head over to the barber shop and make hair angels on the floor"

"I saw in the newspaper that my town was searching for a pedophile. I called in thinking I could help but it turns out that it wasn't actually a job opening."

"Q: What did the tree say when it messed up? A: It was an oakcident."

"What do you call a deaf dinosaur? Anything you like - he can't hear you."

"I was trying to write an essay about the jews in World War II.. But I just couldn't concentrate."

"Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don't know exactly what she's planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me."