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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear that Tom Brady is running for president? His platform is lowering inflation."

"Parents, what's the right age to explain to a Fox News anchor that Santa isn't real?"

"""Child rearing"" sounds like something that'll get you life in prison."

"What's the best way to remove a grass stain? Alcohol? I don't see how getting drunk will help, but whatever."

"Don't smoke kids... Because smoking kids is illegal."

"3YO: ""How do babies get out of bellies?"" ME: ""Look! Ice cream!"" *5 min later* 3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: ""How do babies get out of be---"""

"Ladies, don't waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese. Apparently they have a ""family"" & a ""wife"" & I'm ""ruining their dinner."""

"I was so bored earlier I made a belt out of watches. It was a complete waist of time."

"I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn't park anywhere near the place. -Steven Wright"

"If history has taught me anything, it's that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room."