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Joke of the Day

"Why did France really surrender to Germany? *Hitler was being Vichy.* [Just thought of this earlier in the shower... Had gas ever since.]"

"Why can't Kim Kardashian find her asshole? He's on tour."

"She told me she'd do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed."

"I think my neighbour's been stalking me, she's been googling my name on her computer I saw it through my telescope last night"

"What's the difference between a long bearded redneck and a long bearded ISIS man? One wants to eat filthy american pigs, and the other wants to kill the filthy american pigs."

"What did the toaster say to the bread? I want you inside me."

"What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? Iron Man is a superhero, Iron Woman is a command. ALL credit goes to /u/eternityinspace had to share it!"

"I intend to live forever... or die trying."

"$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin' on virgin Indian tears."

"Cop behind me just turned. Best unfollow ever."