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Joke of the Day

"How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb? Two! one to change the light bulb and the other to rotate the universe!"

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"One crazy fantasy I have is having any energy to do things after work."
"SB50 Panthers and Broncos coin toss Hillary won the coin toss"
"[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]"
"My dad is like the Michael Jordan of dads. He has a serious gambling problem."
"An angry cell walks into a bar... Smoking a cigarette the cell orders a drink. When the barman turns around the cells were three. ""Tumor!"""
"what do you call a man wrapped in meat?"
"""Good parenting isn't giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself"" I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow"
"my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook..."
"i just flew in and boy are my arms tired from jacking off on the plane a whole lot"
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