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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the kleptomaniac with no sense of humor? He took everything literally"

"So I hear there is going to be a sequel to Lawrence of Arabia It's going to be called Lawrence of Two Rabias."

"Me: You can't arrest me. I have to run a marathon today. Cop: Stop playing the race card."

"*stops by new neighbor* Welcome, I brought you a cake! -Wow, thank you! You know, you didn't have to do that! Oh, ok. *walks away with cake*"

"I can't get out of bed These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust."

"It's pretty silly to be afraid of spiders when most of them have probably never answered a text message with a phone call."

"DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium."

"Do you guys ever bite your tongue by accident? Do you guys ever hit a homeless man then just keep driving?"

"What does a German use to polish his trumpet? Toot tonic"

"never trust a business that uses Papyrus font"